Vitalstatistix Tomorrow comes today
by Kiki McCloud
Summary: My first Fanfinction in the Asterix Universe. Main charackter: Vitalstatistix & Imperdimenta. NOW IN ENGLISCH! Translated by Pandora
1. Chapter 1

**Vitalstatistix**

**Tomorrow comes today**

**------------------------------------------------------------------**

_Original Story by __**Kiki McCloud**__ alias __**Kikix**__** ---**__ Translated by __**Pandora**_

_**Change alone is unchanging.**_

_Heraklietos of Ephesos_

The year is 50. B.C. Gaul is entirely occupied by the Romans. Well, not entirely… One small village of indomitable Gauls still holds out against the invaders. Not only with big success, but with great pleasure…

Our story begins one peaceful day in a small, well-known village. But if you watch carefully, you will see that the day is not so peaceful at all. Maybe not for all villagers…

"I already told you! You are here nothing else but a chieftain of a horde full of savages! When I only think of my brother Homeopathix, who…"

"That's enough!" with these words leaves Vitalstatistix, the village chief, his cottage closely followed by his wife Impedimenta who doesn't seem to be in a very good mood.

"By Toutatis, where are you going?!"

"To the village! I'm sick and tired of your lamentations!"

"My lamentations?!"

"Yes, yours!"

Turning on his heel, continues Vitalstatistix his complaints with irritated voice:

"But what nerves me the most is your constant comparing with your miserable brother!"

Saying that, he disapeares in direction of Panoramix' cottage, followed by his two porters, who decided to stay silent in this delicate situation. Surprised by his aggressive behaviour, Impedimenta remains silent. After the moment of wondering, she angrily turns back into her cottage. Shortly after, the sounds of chrashing pottery and angry cries can be heard.

At the same time, Vitalstatistix went to Panoramix, the honorable and wise druid.

"I can't believe that I, Vitalstatistix, the chieftain of this village, allow my wife to compare me with a simple merchant from Lutetia!"

Vitalstatistix took a sip of beer, which was offered by druid Panoramix, and visibly disturbed, he fell in a bitter silence. Panoramix smiled, looking at his old friend, knowing Impedimenta's temper and consequences that followed their quarrels. Therefore he remains silent and gives his all attention to magic potion when suddenly one of the porters said:

"Chief, I think something is happening…"

Vitalstatistix and Panoramix exchanged surprised looks and hurried up to the centre of the village, where, under the Cacofonix' tree house , the villagers already had an exciting discussion.

"What, by Toutatis and Belisama, is the meaning of all this?"

The silence fell immediately over the villagers and they all make way to their chieftain, who once again rules on his shield and looks astonished in the crowd. But very soon he finds out what could be the cause this excitement. On the bottom of his tree house sits Cacofonix, the bard, who doesn't seem aware of his surrounding. He holds his right hand embraced and his mantle turned into a few red tatters.

"By Belenus… Cacofonix, what happened to you?"

"I walked through the wood and thought of nothing bad when suddenly the sky went dark. I thought the sky will fall on my head. But when I recovered my consciousness, I discovered that I was hit by a part of a rock."

Cacofonix raised painfuly his arm, which was carefuly bandaged by Panoramix.

"A rock?!"

"A rock! And there is more. When I hardly stood up, I realised that my lyre was smashed under this treacherous attack…"

He sadly showed the miserable rests of his beloved instrument, still a few villagers felt with him. Fulliautomatix, the blacksmith and the big enemy of Cacofonix' music, didn't show any understanding.

"Finaly the Romans did something right!" He laughs loudly, but noticing evil glances, he keeps silent.

"What? It was only a lyre…"

"Unfortunately, it wasn't only the lyre!" thinks Vitalstatistix while he comes down from his shield and approaches to Cacofonix.

"How should we know that this attack was planed by the Romans?" remarks Unhygienix, the village fishmonger.

"Only Romans have the machines that can throw rocks and stones big enough to harm our bard." These words were said by Asterix, the bravest and cleverest warrior of the village.

"Nonsense." Thinks his best friend Obelix. "I can do that too."

Obelix, menhir delivery man, fell into the cauldron of magic potion when he was a child and from this day he has superhuman strenght. Therefore, throwing a rock was for Obelix a child play.

"All right, Obelix, all right. But let us make it clear: we won't let this damage pass unpunished! We must show these Romans what happens when they attack one of us!" so calls Vitalstatistix, taking his place at the shield again.

"They must see what it means to have business with us! Druid! Make us magic potion! We set out for battle!"

Chieftain's suggestion was loudly accepted and in a short time all the men in the village gathered in front of Panoramix' cottage. Shouting and laughing, the quarelsome Gauls waited for the beginning of the fight and Panoramix find it difficult to keep the mass at distance.

"Here, children! The potion is ready!"

The noise and excitement spreads quickly through the crowd but fell very soon under Vitalstatistix' control. And so stand our Gauls obediently in a row, waiting for Panoramix to give them famous potion, which gives them superhuman strenght. Because of this potion our friends held out against the Roman army all these years.

Led by Vitalstatistix, the Gauls set off for the fortified camp of Compendium. Results: one palisade and one garrison of battered Romans later…

„ So! Who ordered attack on our bard!" Vitalstatistix, still standing on his shield, was holding the centurion of the camp for his collar while the others were keeping the rest of the soldiers…awake.

„I've told you, it wasn't me! And I don't know who did that and….Ahhhh!" Vitalstatistix raised his fist threateningly , invoking panic and forcing centurion to confess his guilt.

„All right, all right, I admit it!" centurion landed roughly on the ground.

„Well, I'm listening."

„The fort…fortified camp of…of…of… Aquarium…got a new catapult ye… ye… yesterday… it was sent from Rom… but…"

„Good! That's enough! Children! To Aquarium!"

„To Aquarium!" „Long live Vitalstatistix!" „Long live our chieftain!"

With triumphal sounds, our friends continued their excursion to Aquarium. Of course, they didn't forget to visit Totorum and Laudanum. No Roman should feel neglected.

„ Ok children, be prepared! We will take them by surprise and…"

„ I think that there won't be any surprise, chief. Look there!"

Astonished, Vitalstatistix and his men watched as the centurion and his legion were leaving Aquarium and prepared for battle.

„Look! Now they are willingly joining the fight!"

„They don't want us in their camp! Renovation is probably a very hard job!"

Laughing on this remark, on Vitalstatistix' command, the Gauls rushed along violently on petrified Romans. Centurion tried to say something in his defence but without success. As the time passed by and number of beaten Romans multiplied, Vitalstatistix tried to exchange informations with centurion.

„Your colleagues said that the attack on our bard was your fault! Why did you do that?!"

„We… erm… we were just practising…"

„ Practising? Don't make me laugh! Then tell your Caesar that we won't tolerate your practising in our woods. Do you understand?"

„But… but… Caesar is not here…"

„No, but you'll visit him immediatley!"

Indicating that the conversation is over, Vitalstatistix lifted the poor centurion and sent him to the clouds with a strong kick.

„Practising… what a nonsense…come on, children. Let's go back to our village."

„And what shall we do with the camp? Leave it as it is?"

„Hmm… no… I don't think so. Attack!"

For a short time the fourth Roman camp turned into dust and ashes. Within all this noise, no one has noticed that a small group of Romans on a brink of the wood has been watching a whole scene.

„What… what shall we do?!"

„Nothing! Only if you want to catch some blue colour."

„Our command was to hide the catapult and when everything settles down, to return unnoticed."

„ That really shouldn't be… Beware! They are coming!"

Romans hid quickly into the brushwood as our Gauls were passing through the wood, singing and laughing. They are all in a good temper, only Obelix seems a little bit disappointed.

„What is it, Obelix?"

„Hm… I don't know, Asterix… I think we missed something… something very important…"

„Come on, Obelix! If it was that important, we would have noticed it." Thinks Asterix and goes along. Obelix doesn't seem satisfied with his answer but his dissatisfaction was replaced with another thought.

„Guys! Shouldn't we celebrate our victory?"

„Obelix! We can't celebrate after every brawl with Romans!"

„Why not?"

„Because…erm…that's why…ah let's go, you gourmand."

With a smile on his face, Asterix and our friends return to their village. Vitalstatistix is in good temper, anyway, he proved again who's the boss of the house… I mean… of the wood. But if we look at the situation in the village, we can see that the chances for the same success are minimal. Impedimenta is still angry with him.

„ But, but…Piggywiggy!"

And so happened that Vitalstatistix was sent at the entrance of his cottage… again.

„If you can't stand my lamentations, then you can move somewhere else! Maybe to the Romans! It seems you give them more attention than me!" BUMP!

Impedimenta closed the door right in front of Vitalstatistix' nose. And what did he do? First of all, nothing. He was confused , after all, he had better days. Suddenly, he feltanger growing inside of him. He picked his belongings up off the ground (which were thrown there by his wife) and walked away in direction of Asterix' cottage. Not without giving a break to his anger.

„I can't believe it! Who, by Toutatis and Belisama, is chief here? She or me? She will see! I won't show up so fast! By Toutatis!" Ssssssssssssssss…..Boing! Something hit Vitalstatistix heaviliy on the back of his head so he found himself on the ground. He looked around, puzzeld… and discovered a vase, broken in thousand pieces. When he turned around, he saw Impedimenta, watching at him with a scorn in her eyes and disappearing behind the door. This time Vitalstatistix got really angry! He stood up, red in his face, and with lifted fist, he shouted:

„ By Toutatis and all gods! The sky should fall down on your head for this impudence!"

Like the gods wanted to do him a favour, the sky over Vitalstatistix went dark. He looked up and saw a gigantic rock…

A loud breakage. Panicked cries. In a few minutes whole village was up. Panoramix began instantly with preparing the magic potion, women and children fled to the coast. Some villagers ran to the palisade and were trying to stop the Romans in every possible way. Others gathered around the ruins of chieftain's cottage. Only Vitalstatistix seems unaware of his surroundings. He was staring petrified at the spot where his cottage stood. At the spot where, a minute before, stood his wife…


	2. Chapter 2

Horrified, he ran to the remains, to the place where others just cleared up some boards aside

Horrified, he ran to the remains, to the place where others just cleared up some boards aside. Energetically, Vitalstatistix made himself space ... until he saw her „Piggywiggy..." Under one of the heavy beams of the hut stuck Impedimenta ... lying still. „What by all gods have I done..." „Quick, the magic potion!" One of the men ran off and came back short time later with Panoramix and a canteen with magic potion. Fulliautomatix and Unhygienix quickly took a gulp of it and raised the beam, while Panoramix was explaining the others what just happened. Vitalstatistix sat the whole time beside his wife and held her hand. When he removed the last remains aside, he raised Impedimenta carefully and carried her away from the remains. Just then the others returned from the battle. Vitalstatistix and Panoramix were soon surrounded by the villagers. However, there was no time for explanations. „Bring her in my hut, Vitalstatistix. I'll follow immediately." Vitalstatistix only noded, then turned to go. Panoramix looked at him sadly. Then he turned to Asterix. „Quick Asterix. You must procure in the wood and bring me a few fresh mistletoes and some moss. " He gave his golden sickle to Asterix. Asterix noded, then got on his way with Obelix. „And hasten you, every minute is precious! All of you, go home. I will explain everything to you later." With these words Miraculix went hasty to his hut.

Dark clouds hung like a veil above the village. It was raining thicky and here and there the night was illuminated by a flash. The whole village was already asleep, only in one hut a weak beam of light penetrated into the darkness. In druid's hut in the weak light of a candle sat Vitastatistix and stared, his thoughts lost in the distance. Panoramix stood by the fire brewing a strangely smelling drink. No word was spoken and the silence was barely to be endured. However, Vitalstatistix couldn't stand it no more. „Panoramix... I must know it... Please, tell me if she will make it. Or whether I've lost her for good..." The words sounded full of pain of once so proud warrior. And when Panoramix turned away from the fire, he saw the chief of the unbending Gauls distraught in tears, sitting on a chair. He was supporting his head with his hands and shaking violently, Vitalstatistix sat there, only a shade of himself. Panoramix looks at his friend sadly, then at Impedimenta. She was still lying there and it was hard to recognize her breathing. „She looks so pale. So breakable..." The voice of the chief is only a whisper in the silence, which is interrupted from the close rumble of the thunder.

„You... You haven't answered my question yet..." Panoramix was watching silently on the vessel in his hands. Slowly, he allows the bluish liquid to circle in it while he tries to find the right words. However, he was searching for them for days. Already three days have passed since the Roman attack and since then sat Vitalstatistix beside his wife. He didn't close his eyes and touched anything comestibles. He sat there quietly and watched his wife. Every now and then he glides warily her blond hair, then takes her hand again and holds it, clasped firmly. For three days. Three long days without improvement. And also three days in which Panoramix tries to explain the inevitable...

„Vitalstatistix... I ... we must talk. Panoramix sat down to the table which stood in the middle of the hut and lit another candle. Vitalstatistix was looking for answers, but, as Panoramix didn't say anything, he sat down towards him. For a moment there was silence, and Panoramix finally decided to break it. „Vitalstatistix ... I want to be honest with you... I... I have done everything what I could and, nevertheless ... there was no improvement..." Silence again. Vitalstatistix trembled with excitement. Hquite exe knows quite exactly what the druid wants to say. „Vitalstatistix, I... If Impedimenta doesn't get better during next days... If there is no more hope..." Three days. Three days fought Vitalstatistix with the thought of losing his wife and during these three days he didn't want to admit it. However, everything seemed lost now. In only few seconds his whole world had broken down...

The sky was still gray above the village of the unbending Gauls and gray was also their mood. After Panoramix informed the villagers about the latest events, it has become quiet strangely in usually vivid little village. Nobody knew to handle the situation and thus everyone was quiet. And just this silence is it what almost drove Vitalstatistix to despair. However, the silence will soon be lightly disturbed as a vehicle rolls towards the gate...

„Stop! Nobody may enter the village!" „Who says this?" „Chief's command." „Thus? Then say to your chief he will experience something if I don't enter the village immediatley! I am Homeopathix from Lutetia and by chance Impedimenta's brother! Opens the gate right away!" „Impedimenta's brother?... Wait a moment!" The guard instantly whizzed to Panoramix' hut to report his boss about the upcoming evil ... I mean... visit. And he didn't recieved the news very enthusiastically... „By Toutatis and Belisama... The gods must be against me..." Sighing and already exhausted, Vitalstatistix got up and said: „ Let them in. Alea jacta sund..." With these Latin words which signified, by the way, "The die is cast", Vitalstatistix left the hut and went, completely incognito, to the village gate where Homeopathtix and his wife Tapioca already got out of the vehicle. Homeopathix grins evily at his brother-in-law. „What's wrong, oh big chief Vitalstatistix? Did your shield bearers leave you today in the lurch or has the puff finally gone out to them?" He is laughing and doesn't note that Vitalstatistix doesn't get excited at all. However, Tapioca noticed immediately something wasn't right. „What's troubling you, Vitalstatistix? You look worried." „Yes Vitalstatistix what's wrong? Has the sky fall on your head?" Again Homeopathix breaks out in uncontrollable laughter. However, Vitalstatistix can't tolerate the behaviour of his brother-in-law anymore. And when he looks now at Homeopathix how he laughs at his own jokes half dead, he bursts out. „I will show you immediately whom will the sky FALL ON THE HEAD!" In a fury rushes Vitalstatistix at his odious brother-in-law and hits him with full force in his face. Tapioca screamed horrified and the villagers gathered immediately. Panoramix also rushed over and saw how Vitalstatistix was hitting Homeopathix over and over again. He can barely control himself and if Fulliautomatix and Unhygienix had not been there immediately to stop their chief, this story would have nastily been brought to an end. „By Toutatis and all gods!" Homeopathix stood up slowly and looked aghast at his brother-in-law. „Are you insane, Vitalstatistix?" Actually, these words should sound judging and furious, however, it appears that Homeopathix has lost something of his courage. „Don't you dare to be mean! Otherwise..." „Stop it,stop it, Vitalstatistix! " Only with effort managed Unhygienix and Fulliautomatix to hold their chief who wanted to rush again at his brother-in-law. „I think it's better if we clear this in complete silence. Come with me to my hut, Homeopathix, I will explain everything to you there. And what goes for you, Vitalstatistix..." He turns to the chief with serious look. „I think it's better if you leave the village for a while to calm yourself down..." „Me leaving the village! I won't make a step outside this gate, by Toutatis!" Nevertheless, when he saw druid's serious glance, Vitalstatistix got rid of his guards and leaves the village snorting, heading for forest. Panoramix looked at him one more moment, then he turns to Homeopathix and Tapioca. „Come, you two. There is a lot to explain ..."


	3. Chapter 3

„And

„And... And you can do nothing for her?" Horrified, Homeopathix looked at the druid, after he had reported him about the events of the past days. Panoramix sadly shook his head. „I have tried everything... only the gods can help now..." „I cannot believe it... Why... Why haven't you destroyed the catapult when you attacked the camps?" „Now... I wasn't present during the attacks. But I can well imagine that the Romans had brought the catapult in safety, before..." „And no one occured that?!" „Now... our Gauls... If they in the middle of a fight, then, they forget everything else..." „FORGET!" Homeopathix jumped up furiously. „How can someone forget such a thing! It's your useless wanna-be chief to blame! When I get him in my hands then I will..." „Then you will WHAT?" Frightened, Homeopathix whirled around and discovered Vitalstatistix who stood in the door with his arms crossed and distorted face. „You wanted to say something, dear brother-in-law?" „Well, I..." „NOW LISTEN TO ME VERY CAREFULY, YOU CONCEITED big-city-Gaul!" Vitalstatistix rushed furiously at his brother-in-law who moved immediately on the other side of the table in safety. Vitalstatistix stared at him furious and as he spoke further, his voice shook of rage. „We have disassembled every Roman camp in the surroundings and after we found out who was responsible for the attack on our bard, we went to the camp Aquarium to show them what we think about their "exercises". However, when we came there, the Romans were already waiting for us to show up what was very surprising. Then the whole thing was finished also very fast and we went back again in the village. Although... In this whole excitement we had forgotten the catapult... Anyway, who could anticipate, by Toutatis, that these damned Romans would be so brave to attack us after this defeat!" Vitalstatistix rested with his hands on the table and watched his brother-in-law with rage sparkling in his eyes. But there is no more strenght in big chief as a few minutes ago. The whole thing was to much for him and Panoramix started worring about his friend. Even now he observed Vitalstatistix who fell sighing in a chair.

„My people have destroyed the catapult later, when the Romans began the surprise attack. For Impedimenta was already too late..." Homeopathix watched him in silence. He never especially liked Vitalstatistix, however, when he saw him sitting completely desperately there, he almost felt sorry him. He was also worried about Impedimenta himself, but he had never known until this day Vitalstatistix loved her so much. A short moment there was silence, then Homeopathix walked across the room to his brother-in-law and laid friendly a hand on his shoulder. Vitalstatistix looked up surprised. „Vitalstatistix, I... I am sorry... I think, we shouldn't quarrel in these heavy moments. She wouldn't want it..." He looked sadly at Impedimenta. Vitalstatistix followed his gaze and said nothing for a moment, but then he got up and looked at his brother-in-law with a serious look. „I think you're right... Let us forget our quarrels. For a start." Smiling, he passes his hand to Homeopathix and both opponents seal the peace with a handshake.

Daybreak above the village. The light slowly breaks through the morning fog and the everyday activity slowly begins in the village. Or better ... the everyday insanity. The news about reconciliation of Vitalstatistix and Homeopathix has been spread out astonishingly fast and improved the mood in the village. Even Cacofonix, who remained quiet for the past few days, raises again his voice to compose an ode for Lug, the god of medicine, to be merciful on Impedimenta and help her recover fast. However, this well-intentioned plan happens to be much of an annoyance for Fulliautomatix, who out of fright of the sudden musical presentation, let his hammer fall on his foot. So he hobbled straight away with an ax on the shoulder to Cacofonix' tree-house. „Cacofonix! Stop making noise immediately!" „Noise? You art peasant! This is my newest creation! An ode for the god of the remedial art!" „Just stop or the god of the remedial art gets one more auditory fall!" „Phhh!" With a contemptuous look at the village smith, the despised artist disappeared in his hut and Fullautomatix returned satisfied and convienced in victory to his workshop. However, the peace doesn't last long and already there is sound of another stanza of the newest creation and it's more piercing than the previous one. And this time it's so nerve-tearing it causes a turmoil rising in the vilage. Fulliautomatix let his ax fall while keeping his ears closed and he then decided to protect the divinities of any possible damage caused by unintentional disturbance of the peace. A moment later the melodic sound of ax cutting down the tree could be heard along the village. „What, by Toutatis..." Surprised, Cacofonix stoped singing as he felt the vibration of his hut, but, before he can properly understand what is happening, he heard the call coming from the outdoor „Bard falls!" and soon met the tree, with Troubadix and his hut, the surface of the earth. Crashing of a tree broke the early morning silence, followed by several winged words from Cacofonix' side which I wouldn't like to mention here.

Just at that moment Vitalstatistix left Panoramix' hut. He looks tired and, nevertheless, completely exhausted, this night he hasn't closed his eyes again. Now he went in the direction of his hut from where the noise of a hammer beating could be heard. And really, Unhygienix and some other men work there vigorously on rebuilding their chief 's hut. Vitalstatistix is astonished in a view of this energy. „Good morning, chief!" „Good morning. What... What becomes out of this?" „Well, after what does it look to you?" Vitalstatistix grined, then indicated over his shoulder: „What has happened with Cacofonix' hut?" „Oh, this. He has tried to sing this morning a new ode. He has only got with Fulliautomatix on the wrong foot..." „Ha-ha! Very funny!" The smith just came to the construction limping and observed the work, while leaning on his hammer. „Do you still need help?" „Actually, yes. But today you are prevented. Not to mention ‚footsore'!" Unhygienix bent laughing and Fulliautomatix already swung with his hammer when a call was heard from the guard. „Chief! A gallic headman and his suite ask to enter!" „A gallic headman?" Immediately Vitalstatistix called his sign bearers and in a while there stood the whole village, with the exception of Panoramix, in front of gate to greet the unexpected guest. And Vitalstatistix was surprised when he saw who appeared there. "Egoistix..." Nevertheless, a moment later Vitalstatistix became distrustful. The appearance of this chief has signified nothing good... A stocky Gaul, with the blond hair which he, like Majestix, carried in two braids stood bin front of gate. With highly upraised head he stood on his sign which was carried by four, grouchy looking bearer and watched from there condescendingly at Vitalstatistix and the remaining villagers. His athletic chest was covered only by his cape and a splendid sword decorated with diamonds hung on his belt. He looked around once again, then he began, very friendly, a conversation:

„Vitalstatistix, old friend! How nicely to..." „Don't you even dare to say one more word, Egoistix! You would regret it!" „But, but Vitalstatistix! How could you possibly still rumble? Let us forget the old disputes. In the end ... I want peace in all my villages." „In your villages? And what is the connection between this whole thing and your appearance here?" „Well, this village will soon belong to me..." The stranger looked at perplexed Vitalstatistix for a moment, then he set himself upright on his sign, drew out his sword and shouted: „Vitalstatistix! Herewith I challenge you to the fight of the chieftains!"

Completely amazed Vitalstatistix steped back... And fell of his sign. „What... What do you want?" „Challenge you! I wasn't in Gaul for a long time and finally, here I am, to revenge for what you have done to me!" Furiously, the stranger looked at Vitalstatistix who stood up and again, gives the chieftain confused looks. „What I... to you... Wait a moment!" He climbed on his sign again, and as Vitalstatistix spoke further, he sounded very angry: „What I have done to you? If I remember exactly, it was YOU who left ME during the battle of Gergovia in the sting, or am I wrong?" „I wanted to get help when I saw you in danger! But the Romans have caught me and brought to the eastern border of the Roman empire where I had to work the last few years as a slave! And YOU did nothing about it!" Furiously, Egoistix pointed with his sword at Vitalstatistix who couldn't be intimidated in any possible way. „I did nothing because I knew nothing about your position!" „Pahh! I have sent you a message by my people in which I've asked for your help! Or you want to tell me now that you have never received the message?" „Exactly this! And even if I did, I would never help to such a coward like you..." „ENOUGH! The fight takes place in three days! Prepare for your defeat, Vitalstatistix!" With these words, Egoistix ordered the return and soon he disappeared with his people in the forest.

A little later the villagers have assembled, because now everyone wanted to know who was that foreign chieftain. Vitalstatistix sighed. Actually, he didn't want to remember the past, but it seemed that he didn't have a choice.

„The whole thing began shortly before the battle of Gergovia, you still remember this... A messenger had delivered Vercingetorix' message of the battle to me and we prepared everything for it. Shortly before, some warriors came from the other villages to our to accompany us on the way to Gergovia. Among them was also my brother. And Egoistix ..."


End file.
